I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
