The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
