I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
