my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
