This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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