im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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