i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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