i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
