He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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