I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
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I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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