if you like me you must not know who I am
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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