Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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