Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
