my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
