I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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