Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
