i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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