I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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