...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
