its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
