I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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