Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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