So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
