At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
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I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
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I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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