They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can text with my tongue
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
