I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
