You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
