Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
