So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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