Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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