I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
