jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
