We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
