Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
