Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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