I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
