he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Randomize
