I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
