Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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