Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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