I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
