we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
