How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
