Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
