My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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