Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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