He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I need to sanitize my soul.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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