fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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