so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
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i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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