was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
