Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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