Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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