Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
