She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
