I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
