I want to have your abortion
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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