When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
