After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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