I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
