I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
